22 Relationship Tips From a 22-Year-Old Mixed Girl

(who is not an expert but gives good advice)

INTERRACIAL EDITION!

Hapa Mag - AUGUST 26, 2020

By Maya Richardson

1. I AM NOT YOUR PASS. Being in a relationship with any person of color is NOT a free pass to appropriate their culture. You don’t get to say the N-word now. You don’t get to call me “mami.” Blasting rap music in your car on the first date isn’t going to impress me.

2. YOU AREN’T “WOKE” NOW. In addition to not being a pass, dating me and sometimes listening to my struggles is not the equivalent to you obtaining a MFA in racial studies. There is no “woke” badge. There is no trophy, and you are not exempt from racist behaviors.

3. I AM NOT AN EXPERT ON RACE. It is important to put effort into learning from people who have dedicated time and research into educating others on racial matters. Expecting me to teach you about everything puts all of the pressure on me. I have valuable, lived experience but I am one person who is learning, too.

4. LISTEN. Listening means taking the time to really see and hear your partner. There may be things that hurt them more than they hurt you. This takes patience and understanding on both sides because more than likely, the BIPOC(s) in the relationship are still working through their own racial traumas and triggers. It is important to create a safe listening space for difficult emotions. 

5. CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE. Understand the privileges that you may have and the ones your partner may lack, and vice versa. If the relationship includes two people of color but one is Black/brown and the other is white-passing or has light skin, it is up to that individual to recognize how this creates a vast difference in experience. You don’t have to be white to have privilege.

6. COME UP WITH VALIDATING PHRASES. While listening to each other, simple validating phrases can be a beautiful thing. Phrases like, “It makes sense that you feel that way,” or, “Thank you for sharing that with me. I know this is a hard thing to talk about, and I am right here with you,” are always nice to hear.

7. LISTENING TO AN EXPERIENCE DOES NOT EQUAL LIVING THROUGH AN EXPERIENCE. Just because you have done a wonderful job listening and empathizing with your partner, does not mean that you too have lived the experience they have shared with you. Accept that.

8. LAUGHTER IS MEDICINE. Strive to make each other laugh every day. Find the boisterous joys! The world can be bleak, and marginalized groups hold a lot of trauma in their bodies. Give each other some free medicine and laugh.

9. COMMUNICATION IS KEY. This can start by asking each other questions as simple as, “How can I be there for you?”

10. WORK TOGETHER. A relationship should never be about one person. Always remember that a relationship is about working together. One person should not feel like they are pulling the load or bearing all the emotional labor.

11. I AM NOT YOUR FETISH. If ever you are feeling racially fetishized, overly sexualized, or objectified in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, it is your right to say something. You deserve to have control over your own body.

12. CONSENT IS SEXY. Always. No means no. Uncertain no’s do not mean yes. Check-ins during sex are important and they will not ruin the mood. You can change your mind at any point. Read the title of number nine again! Also, if you have to say yes because you are so tired of saying no, THAT IS NOT CONSENT. If you say yes because you will feel guilty for saying no, THAT IS NOT CONSENT!

13. I DON’T ALWAYS WANT TO TALK ABOUT RACE. Oftentimes as people of color, we feel simplified to objects of race. It is OK to not want to talk about race for a day or two. Maybe three! Sometimes in interracial relationships, ESPECIALLY if our partner is white, we have an added pressure of educating them on things they probably are unaware of. Digging into these traumas and having to constantly explain/relive them is exhausting.

14. YOU CAN SET BOUNDARIES WHEN TALKING ABOUT RACE. 

    Here are some useful phrases:

    • “I do not have to validate my lived experiences with racism to you.”

    • “While you may not realize it, that remark was racially insensitive. I would like to disengage from this conversation, and we can revisit it another time.”

    • “Thank you for checking in on me. I need to process, so I will respond when I am able.”

    • “I don’t have the capacity to talk about racism right now, but here are some great resources.

15. BEWARE OF GASLIGHTING. Especially racial gaslighting, which is the same as gaslighting (manipulative and psychological abusive behavior that makes a victim question their own reality) only it makes the victim question their own judgment in racist situations. This a very common tactic among abusers, narcissists, and the racially insensitive. It will drain you. Here are a few examples to be wary of:

    • “Was it actually about skin color, though?”

    • “They would have treated anyone that way.”

    • “But that person isn’t racist, I know them.”

    • “Not everything is about race, you are overreacting.”

16. ARGUMENTS ARE HEALTHY, RIGHT? Although disagreements are common in relationships, there are more adequate ways to communicate something frustrating than a screaming match.

17. ARGUMENTS DO NOT EQUAL PASSION. Growing up I was always taught that arguments were where the heat lived in a relationship. If an argument is the only place that you find a fire in your relationship, you need to reevaluate it. When is it toxicity masked by pretty lust?

18. MEETING THE FAM. Imagining your partner meeting your family can be nerve-wracking. Tip/example for said partner: If you are going to act DRASTICALLY different when meeting my white side of the family vs. the Black side, I’m going to notice and it will be weird for all of us. If there is a heavy language barrier, the last thing I want you to do is to speak English but louder. My family still can’t understand you, and now you’re yelling. 

19. MEETING THE PARTNER’S FAM. On the other hand, meeting your partner’s family is nerve-wracking as well. Know that there is little likelihood you are about to enter the plot of Get Out, but if somebody’s mom starts a deep conversation with you while hypnotically stirring her tea in fine china, seriously — get out.

20. EFFORT SHOULDN’T FADE AWAY. Even if you have been together for a long time and are comfortable, you still need to show up for each other.

21. LOVE BIG. Life takes and takes with little forgiveness.

22. YOU DESERVE THAT LOVE, BABY! Better yet, you deserve beautiful, healthy, flowing, supportive L-O-V-E. Don’t settle because you don’t think you deserve anything less than magic.