I Don’t Have to Accept That There’s Only One Way to Be: The Intersections of A-Spectrum and Mixed Identities

Mixed Asian Media - August 28, 2023

By Ryan Cotter

In continuation of the conversation with mixed Asian A-spectrum* folks, I have spoken with two more A-spectrum mixed folks about the invisibility and insecurities related to being mixed and aromantic/aseuxal, how their identities inspire their creative processes, and challenging binary systemic thinking.

At the interviewees’ request, we’ve used pseudonyms for them.

*People who identify under the aromantic/asexual umbrella, meaning they experience little to no romantic/sexual attraction, respectively.

(This is not the same as romantic/sexual desire.)

Arushi (she/her): I'm half-white, half-Indian, and I identify as asexual.

Joy (any/all): I’m mixed Chinese/Jewish, and I go by queer or A-spec.

How long have you identified as ace? What was the moment that you realized that identifying as the way that you do is a good fit for you and/or your experience?

Arushi: Yeah, for me it hasn't been too long. I think probably maybe since senior year of high school, so maybe about four years.

I feel like I just didn't have any context for what sexual attraction was supposed to look like. I didn't really put two and two together for a really long time, until going into high school. College especially, people are having lots of pretty open conversations about their sexuality. At that point, I realized, “There's something missing here.” So then I kind of started doing research and realized that there was a category for that, which was really helpful. It made me feel a lot better about myself, knowing that there were other people with that experience and there wasn't something, like, wrong, per se. Then I started taking on that label, especially in terms of explaining myself in those kinds of conversations when I went into college.

I was kind of hesitant about how people would react because I had assumptions that people would have a superficial level of understanding [of asexuality], basically like I did at that point. But honestly, people received it really well. No one usually had any follow-up questions or were confused, which I've heard horror stories about — i.e., people just reacting with this kind of shock or distaste or wanting to diagnose an issue. But luckily I didn't have any reactions like that. People seem to be really accepting, and I think that there are more conversations specifically in university spaces about [including] asexual and aromantic people into the queer spectrum.

Joy: For me it's been a while, I think probably 13 or something. Being an artist, I was in a lot of queer spaces online, and there's more open discussions of sexuality and sexual diversity. In 2015 or 2016, there was a lot of discussion about sexuality and gender, like on Tumblr. There were entire blogs dedicated to educating [people about] different sexualities. A lot of them are defunct now, I assume. There were also specific asexuality blogs that might still exist. I only remember the logo was a clog. I don't remember anything else.

How do you feel your mixedness informs your A-specness and vice versa?

Arushi: Especially being a mixed Asian, there's this sense of invisibility. I think that Asians aren't really included in conversations around race in general [partially due to] this idea of the model minority [which] is kind of keep quiet and to yourself. But then when you're a mixed Asian, I feel like, at least for me, a lot of times people have questioned the legitimacy of my identity as an Asian person or an Indian person. So I think in that way that makes me feel insecure about owning that part of my racial identity. I think also in the same way, even going into college and navigating different spaces in those conversations around sexuality, even though I've been really well received, I still have insecurities that being asexual is not legitimate in a sense because sometimes it still feels like a deficiency, and not something to take ownership of or be prideful of. So in that sense, I see those connections between my different parts of my identity.

Joy: I agree that invisibility is a large part of that connection. I understand that not being perceived as Asian or not being perceived as queer could be, in a way, a privilege, because you're not at risk of being attacked. But at the same time, there's pain that comes with that invisibility and not being seen as yourself. I think it would be really beneficial if, within minority communities, we could move away from ranking people by privilege or trying to assign spaces. We can recognize that someone holds certain privileges without invalidating their lived experience.

We were discussing how there is an interesting intersection with how asexuality and aromanticism can intersect with how Asian women/femmes, or people who are perceived as that, are hypersexualized, especially for mixed Asian folks. I'm curious if you guys have any thoughts or experiences that you feel comfortable sharing?

Arushi: People have explicitly said, “You look really exotic.” I think the fact that it's not very clear what my race is, for whatever reason, there's an alert to that. And yeah, it is exoticized, which, even if you are an allosexual person, it doesn't feel great to be exoticized or fetishized in any capacity. But also, as an asexual person, there's almost a cultural shock. I don't really understand where this is coming from in any capacity. So yeah, I definitely see an overlap there.

Joy: Yeah, I feel that same sort of detachment and kind of shock, as I don't really get where that's coming from. I feel like on the one hand, there's sometimes, like, a desexualization of certain Asians because you're perceived as the model minority stereotype. And there's also that yellow fever kind of horrible fetishized look as well. It's gross. It's like a turnoff, but I think it would be to anyone, no matter whether or not they're asexual.

Yeah, definitely. You guys are both creatives. How do you feel that your identity informs your work and how you approach creating projects, if at all?

Arushi: I think my motivations to do writing and art are inspired by that insecurity in my identity because I'm both mixed Asian and ace. What we talked about previously is, there's a sense of imposter syndrome, and I became motivated to create my own art and writing to articulate that in order to feel more confident in who I am, outside of external voices trying to make claims about the validity of my identity. So I think art is a way to feel centered and grounded.

Joy: I think for me it comes up in not naturally approaching topics around romance or sex. I feel that writers often fall back on those themes like a cheat to humanize their characters without really diving into what makes them complex people. I feel like in my work I have to work around that because it's just not something that would occur to me on my own and it doesn't really reflect my experience.

Very well said. To the extent you feel comfortable, how has your experience been with coming out, if any?

Arushi: I don't know if I had an official coming-out process, per se.

[With] most of my family members, I haven't really brought up that kind of conversation, just because I'm not sure they have the vocabulary for that. I feel pretty comfortable bringing it up to peers and friends at school. But it was never a kind of formal process where I was planning a deliberate time to tell someone. It kind of just happened organically. There are people I know of I wouldn't necessarily have a specific conversation with at this point in my life, or might work towards later, but that hasn't happened quite yet.

Joy: I think for me, at least with people I'm close to, it's more like an open question, because there's no way to confirm or deny that I'm anything. Kind of similar to mixed identity, which is like, “I don't want to know what to do with this.” Usually I would come out if other people have come out to me, even though sometimes that hasn't always been a great experience. Just because someone's in the queer community, that doesn't mean that they necessarily understand asexuality or have escaped internalizing certain heteronormative narratives. I've definitely been told, “So you're like a plant,” or, “So you don't want to hear about sex,” which is different. Being sex-repulsed is different from actually not feeling sexual attraction.

What would you say is your favorite part about being mixed and ace?

Arushi: It's a cheesy answer, but I think that proximity to and ability to enjoy several cultures intimately. I also think I’ve found a lot of really great connections through other mixed people. Being mixed is such a diverse set of experiences because it's not going to look the same for anybody. Even among my siblings, we have different experiences of being mixed because we all look different. But I think there's still a sense of connection there.

In terms of being ace, to be honest, I think it's still something I'm working on feeling fully comfortable in. I think just in terms of culture, or at least culture on my college campus, it seems very hypersexualized. It seems almost like an expectation that once you reach a certain age, we have specific milestones you're supposed to be meeting, like having sex at a certain point.

I even had a therapist who told me it's sometimes a warning sign if people aren't engaging in romantic or sexual relationships at a point in their life. And so I perceive a lot of unspoken pressures or a little embarrassed that I'm not following this conventional timeline in terms of development or something like that.

I think in terms of counteracting that, I think there has to be broader conversations about what a timeline's supposed to look like in our society. No one should be forced to meet specific things to be considered a normal person, and that everyone's [lives] are going to look different.

There are some things that some people don't want or just don't have expectations for and not to create these narratives about sex or romance being the ultimate goal for any one person.

But I've also found connection and community and that a lot of people are resonating with those experiences in some capacity, even if they don't identify as asexual or aromantic. I think it's opened up a lot of really important conversations on what sexuality looks like and how there's a spectrum of experiences in terms of sexual attraction.

Joy: I really appreciated how just by existing, I've run into ways to question the systems of race and sexuality and dominant culture. There's nothing that helps you question binaries or assumptions from hegemonic culture than just existing as a mixed person or as someone who doesn't fall into the heteronormative kind of narratives that are pushed on us from a young age.

So for both, I think it's just been really nice to come in with that critical thinking sort of pre-equipped. “This doesn't have to be this way. I don't have to accept that there's only one way to be or to live your life.”

Ryan is a student currently based in Washington (the state, not D.C.). She grew up as a third-culture kid in Hong Kong, Australia, and Singapore, and most recently has studied abroad in Denmark! She is a woman of many hats both literally and figuratively, as you can see her stage managing theatre productions, writing with her sketch comedy group, creating podcasts, and performing with her Asian diaspora dance group X-ertion among other places! She has also been a guest contributor for the Wall Street Journal. She is a passionate advocate for radical joy. You can spot her 3 miles away in her brightly colored outfits FaceTiming her mom, hanging with friends, or attending the latest play or drag show.