Uh Oh, My Child is a “Threenager”
Hapa Mag - February 12, 2020
By Matt Park
Yeah. “Threenage.” That’s what the mommies on the mommy blogs are calling it. You know what I call it? I call it a wacky ass kid. That’s what I call it. OK, children are a beautiful miracle and they are the future and all of that but… damn. My 3-year-old daughter is a wacky ass kid.
Just the other day, she had finished… or at least I thought she had finished her dinner, and I tried to clear her kiddie plate from the table. All of a sudden she screamed, “NO DADDY! I’M NOT FINISHED WITH MY DINNER!” The plate was empty. Another time, I was riding the subway with her and looked down at her with awe and love. She looked up at me and smiled. I reached out to hold her hand. She jerked her hand away and screamed, “DON’T TOUCH ME DADDY!!!” Everyone on the subway looked at me like I was a creepy pervo and then my daughter cackled like a demon beast and said, “Silly old hairy smelly daddy!”
If you google “threenager,” a ton of stuff comes up. Advice from child psychologists, top 10 signs of a threenager, tips from other parents, mommy-blog threenager horror stories. Most of the online advice boils down to being patient and using common sense. So… not really helpful.
Kids are wacky. It’s wacky being a kid and it’s wacky being a parent. Hell, it’s wacky being alive. Here are my tips on dealing with a threenager. Don’t actually use any of these… this is a “joke article.”
MATT PARK’S 7 THREENAGER TIPS
If your threenager isn’t doing what you want them to do, bribe them with candy. It works all the time. And if you time out the sugar crash with bedtime, they will actually go to bed!
Use television as “clutch parenting.” I especially recommend “Peppa Pig.” That adorable, little British pig that kind of looks like a hairdryer has saved me from dealing with many threenager meltdowns. OK! I know, I know. TV rots the brain. But dealing with a threenager meltdown rots the soul until there is nothing left but a black hole of exhaustion and despair.
Throw your own tantrum. When they go low, we go lower. It’s not pretty. But it’s a release and it will shock your little one out of a tantrum faster than a Norwegian death metal guitar solo.
Use the Santa Method. Save this one for the holidays when life stressors get turned up to 11. Just threaten them with telling Santa that they have been bad and watch them turn that tantrum around faster than you can say Santacon sucks donkey balls.
Keep a well-stocked liquor cabinet. Don’t judge me. And if you are judging me and don’t have kids… F**K YOU.
Lower your expectations… until you don’t have any. Just give up… it’s less painful. Wocka wocka wocka!
Whatever you want your child to do, want the opposite in the depths of your heart. But you must truly want the opposite in the depths of your heart. This is a little abstract but it was actual advice that was given to me by my old neighbor who raised a really well-behaved child who ended up studying pre-med at Columbia University.
I only have seven because the brain power it would have taken to come up with 10 has been sucked out of me from trying to deal with a threenager. For actual advice, I would recommend reading the book, Caring For Your Baby and Young Child: Birth to Age 5. I’m sure there is good threenager advice in that book but I don’t know because I accidentally threw it out while cleaning our apartment.
Matt Park is a songwriter, guitarist, poet, and actor. He co-wrote music for Ma-Yi's production of Peer Gynt and the Norwegian HAPA Band at ART/NY in the winter of 2016. He played lead guitar in Diana Oh's My Lingerie Band and performed in My Lingerie Play at The Rattlestick Theater in the fall of 2017. He is 1/2 of the band CUTE with Diana Oh and co wrote 24 Punk with her which was performed at The New York Musical Festival, Joe's Pub, and The Bushwick Starr. He is currently working on orchestrations for Rebecca Lee Lerman's Heartbreak Hotel which is being works shopped at the Tank and Gallery Players in the winter/spring of 2019.