Virtual Dating and Why Do I Have to Be Jewish?

Hapa Mag - MAY 13, 2020

By Rebecca Lee Lerman

I recently signed up for a matchmaking service. I was heartbroken. Valentine’s Day had come and gone, and dating apps have not been my friend. Last year, I met someone on a dating app and my heart was lifted up with hope... only to be pounded back to reality with the whole you-deserve-better-than-me speech, right before Thanksgiving.

The matchmaker was a friend’s suggestion. Surely a curated service would weed out those not right for you. I started checking it out and— wow, it’s expensive! Some services can run up to $20,000 for a 6-month membership! But, would you believe, some memberships are free for women? The more you know! I filled out a profile thinking I would hear absolutely nothing for a very long time.

And I didn’t! That is, until the quarantine started. The service mass emailed everyone asking if we'd be open to an online interview by one of the matchmakers in case they had someone interested!

Well, this seemed fun and exciting and perhaps a much-needed step forward from sobbing into my pillow every night.

The online interview was great. I put on my dressy shirt with puffed sequined sleeves, which felt like welcomed therapy after wearing pajamas and unkempt hair for most of quarantine.

The last question on the matchmaker’s list was… “Are you Jewish?” Why, yes. Yes I am. My mother, Chinese from Taiwan, converted to Judaism when she fell in love and married my Jewish father. “Well, this will open up a lot more possibilities,” said the matchmaker. 

Apparently, there is a roaster of Jewish men looking for, specifically, a Jewish woman. And another matchmaker handled this department. Well, that seemed exciting. Mostly because my mother (after my non-Jewish partner of 14 years cheated on me) told me to “Marry a nice Jewish man.” Apparently, a Jewish man would never cheat on me. They are loyal and make the best partners. So they say.

An online date from the Jewish matchmaker opened up fast. Bam— the call happened and there he was staring at me through the screen with a plain blue long-sleeve shirt and a crooked smile. I asked him how he got into this “matchmaking thing,” and he told me he had been doing it for 20 years, and the first matchmaker actually PAID women to meet men. “Um… that sounds like an escort service!” I exclaimed. “Ha ha, how do YOU know so much about escort services?” he joked, his crooked smile broadening. Not funny to me. My heart sank. I was done. Actually, I was done the minute I saw him. They say women know whether there is potential within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone. I think this is correct. But I was polite and continued talking to him for about an hour. 

The next Jewish man I was set up with turned me off before the meeting even happened. First, he asked if I was available that same day, a Wednesday, for a date. I wasn’t, because I had already made plans to FaceTime my best friend for Passover. Then he asked if I was available on Saturday, which I was! I told him anytime. Friday came along and he had not suggested a time to meet. Then I remembered that the Jewish matchmaker asked me: “Did your mother convert to Judaism or are there Jews in China? Sorry if this question is offensive, but he’s really into the Kabbalah and this question is important to him.”

Well, actually, yes, there ARE Jews in China. There have been Jews in China as early as the year 960, with the first temple being built as early as 1163. There have been Jews, Chinese Jews, and intermarriages happening since before then! Can you believe it? Look up the Kaifeng Jews on Wikipedia.

However, since I am Hapa, guess what? I am actually, ethnically speaking, 50% Ashkenazi Jew. So, not only am I 100% raised with Jewish traditions (I went to Jewish private school and went to Temple on Shabbat), I am also ethnically, a Chinese Jew!

I politely responded to the matchmaker, “My mom converted, and yes, there are Jews in China.”

It irked me, though, that me saying that I was Jewish was not enough for this man. He needed to know HOW I was Jewish. I guarantee you if a fully caucasian woman had said she was Jewish, there would not have been a question as to HOW she had Jewish roots. What about Ethiopian Jews and Sephardic Jews? 

But how is this “being Jewish” so important to this man, BECAUSE he is “really into the Kabbalah?” Especially when this Jewish man, come Friday, who is “really into the Kabbalah” had not confirmed a time to meet. Forget Jewish. He did not seem responsible. 

I decided to cancel the Saturday date. 

Well, as it turns out, the matchmaker apologized. She said it was her fault. He had thought the date was for 8 p.m., but the confirmation was not made clear to either of them

Hmm... OK. We rescheduled. 

Well, he spent the majority of the time talking about himself. He did not seem interested in me at all. And this whole “Kabbalah” thing was more about meditation and had very little to do with Judaism. So why was it important for me to be Jewish because of the Kabbalah? It all remains unclear to me. If you get it, please send me a message. I’m dying to know.

Also, during this pandemic, my “you-deserve-better-than-me” ex decided to check up on me, only to check out again when I said I was doing well. This rollercoaster for my heart was too much. I put my dating on pause and decided to finish out this quarantine alone. By the way, this “you-deserve-better-than-me” ex? He is ethnically Jewish. 

So, why is it so important that I be Jewish!? Does being Jewish mean you are a “better” date? Are you going to respect me, not imply I’m a sex worker, and actually be interested in me? Are you responsible and unafraid of commitment? Based on the last three Jewish men I’ve dated, the answer is no. 

Unorthodox on Netflix really drives this point home. Who cares what religion you are? There are parts of the Jewish tradition that are archaic and misogynistic, with women having to sit in the back of the Temple while the men sit in front. 

The whole thing seems like nonsense to me, and I think these men are limiting themselves in the dating pool in a very narrow-minded way. Being Jewish should not be a prerequisite. If it’s love, they will convert, like my mother did. 

You will not find anyone more loving, committed and affectionate than me. Is that because I’m Jewish? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that being Jewish has NOTHING to do with who you are, and didn’t play a part in shaping you to be wonderful. I have many fond memories of dancing in a circle and feeling warmhearted because of the community the Temple and Jewish sleepaway camp gave me. But in terms of dating, Christianity, Islam, and atheists have hits or misses too! It has more to do with environment, early childhood experiences, and going through life and learning.

Go out and meet (or virtually meet) lots of people. And if you’re lucky, you’ll find someone who respects you, trusts you, and gives you lots of affection... a teammate who is committed, responsible, and communicates their heart and mind. And if it’s so important to marry a Jewish person? They will still convert. Let’s look past these “religions” and get into who we are at the core.